Gather your best girl-friends, your cats, and every Ryan Gosling movie you own, because its Valentine’s Day and you’re single! Don’t be weary, girls, this is the one day of the year when being openly bitter and unpleasant is socially acceptable. Who wants to gain 10,000 pounds from eating all that Valentine’s chocolate from your loving boyfriend? Not I!
You know what the perfect topping for raw cookie dough is? Your tears. Eat up ladies, and eat with no regrets. On this blessed day, don’t worry about having to order “just a salad” at a restaurant neither your boyfriend nor you can afford. Today is the day for eating right out of the ice cream carton and talking about how “all the boys in high school are immature anyway” and you’re totally going to hit your stride in college.
Flowers? More like weeds that die quickly and leave an unfortunate odor. Teddy Bears? Whose idea was it to make a stuffed toy of an animal that mauls people to death? That’s just insensitive.
Think about all those sweaty arms wrapped around girls at the movie theater. Is that really what you want? A neck full of sweat and the sensation of being strangled? When you think about it you’re actually contributing to the general welfare by not being one of those eye-sore couples that engages in too much PDA.
Then there’s all those poor couples having to step over hermits and hobos on those long walks across the beach. I mean really the whole ordeal is enough to make a woman give up men entirely. But then who would we blame for all of our problems?
If none of those options work for you, you can join the fight against commercializing love, because that never gets annoying. Go petition greeting card companies on Valentine’s Day – don’t worry; I’m sure no one will think you’re bitter.
It really is a day of communion for all those who have figured out the game: a day for people who are alone to feel less alone, because they are enlightened. So skip the somber singles mixers, and take a wild night in. I mean if love was really all you needed, then Christian Mingle would have gone out of business a long time ago.
